Hiatus

Oh hello again. By the looks of it, I have taken a two week hiatus. Unintentional for sure. My eating has been pretty close to terrible the last few days, and I haven't been to the gym in well... two weeks. I have been incredibly down and emotionally lost. I hate that I can start something and do really well for a short period of time and then tank in stupendous fashion. Granted, I haven't lost yet as I still have two days to crank out twenty miles. (Looks like I'm going to get some quality biking time in at the gym)

My intention in blogging was to (a) write my story and (b) hopefully draw from the motivation and perceived accountability of others. Unfortunately neither are happening. Instead I have been feeling the familiar feelings of disappointment as the cyclical nature of failure creeps in. You feel like crap, so you eat. Then when you eat, you feel like crap because what you ate wasn't what you should have eaten. Because you feel like crap, you don't workout. Rinse and repeat.

I know it's a journey. I know I didn't get this way overnight. I just wish that I had as much confidence in myself as others had in me. When I hear "you've been my inspiration" it doesn't sink in. I don't know how anyone could look at what I've done and say good job... I've failed.

Tonight I added 3.75 miles to the total from a night walk to Hannaford. I don't know where my weight is right now cause I've declared war against the scale.

Total Miles = 31.3
Total Weight lost = ?

Outta Whack

Keeping up with a workout routine and trying to date at the same time is proving to be difficult. I was able to get to the gym tonight and get in a 30-min circuit workout and a 20-min bike ride. I find that I haven't been eating enough lately either. I'll go for hours and not be hungry, or be hungry but when I go to eat something it's no longer appetizing. I'm not really sure what all that's about, but I'm hoping that it will change. Tomorrow is pay day so it means I get to freshen up the pantry with the good stuff. I did eat a few more meals out, but again, stayed pretty true to eating clean.

Been feeling a little down lately. I know I'm on the right track and all that, but it's easy to get discouraged. The good things are that I'm still on target for my monthly miles and have not gained weight. What more could I ask for I guess?

Side note: Today was National Cheese Pizza Day (apparently there is such a thing) and I did NOT have a slice. Small victory.

The 20 min bike ride added 4.15 miles.

Total Miles: 27.55
Total Weight Lost: -5.2

Got Me Some Miles...

So yesterday din't really turn out as planned. (that seems to be my life lately) I was able to finally get some sleep which was awesome, but in turn wasn't able to get the miles in in the morning like I had wanted to. I did do a smidge of hiking by going up to the top of Rock Rimmon... which is gorgeous at night btw.

Today my friend Danielle and I did the Tower Hill Lake Loop which the map guide says is 4.9 miles. Pretty happy about that :) It was actually a great walk with some gentle uphills. For those of you Manchester-ites, I highly recommend it :) As for food, I haven't really been eating that much, which is completely anti-losing weight... yes you do have to eat to lose... but I had a hard time doing it knowing that I wasn't going to be working out. Flawed logic, I know. Had my first indulgence today, kiddie-sized black raspberry frozen yogurt. It was good, but I don't know if it was worth it. The forever dillema. LOL.

Well happy Labor Day... thank goodness for cooler weather.

Total Miles: 23.4
Total Weight Lost: -5.2

Another day missed...

Again I did not sleep well last night. Got about 3 hours before my body just woke up. Spent from about 6:30am to 1:30pm in and out of sleep on the futon. Had to be in Portsmouth for 4 so, with the stinky sleep and the commitment, I couldn't get the miles in. However, not being able to sleep and not feeling well does have one small advantage... you lose weight. LOL. Anyway, I ate out yet another  meal tonight and succesfully navigated the menu by getting a Bistro Salad (grapes, walnuts, greens, and goat cheese, with a champagne vinnaigrette). And no dessert :)  I did end up walking around Portsmouth a bit so technically I could probably add a mile, but I don't wanna earn this on technicalities. So with that...

Total Miles: 18.5
Total Weight Lost: -5.0 (1/10th of the way there!)

I have not gone missing or fallen off the wagon...

A break... I needed a break. My mind was going mile crazy. It was only going to be for just yesterday, but after an extremely late night last night, I was so tired today that I couldn't do it. I had two meals out... one last night and one tonight. I am happy to say that I made great choices. The first was a shrimp salad with oranges, unsalted peanuts, and an Asian type dressing. The second was Chicken with a zucchini and summer squash medley and mashed potatoes. First off I will say that I asked for a baked potato, but apparently they don't have them. So I tried to get the lesser of all the starch evils and picked mashed potatoes. Well they came with a ton of cheese on them to which I told the waiter I didn't want and he brought me some without cheese. Moral of the story: don't be afraid to send something back! It's your meal and if it's not what you wanted, get what you want. :)   Oh and other moral of the story, restaurant portions are huge... it came with two pieces of chicken so I had already determined I was only going to eat one. I do almost wish that I had asked for two servings of the veggies, but eh, that's ok.

Miles and weight happily the same.

Until tomorrow.

There Were Fireworks People

Ok so the fireworks weren't for me, but I took them as a job well done at the gym. I mean it's like crossing the finish line and having everyone cheer for you. Haha. Ok... just a short post to say 5.5 miles added to the total (2.0 run, 3.5 bike). Yay!

Total Miles: 18.5
Total Weight Lost: -3.2

Thoughts

Today was a good day... still is actually. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another 1.4 lbs. I'm very excited and at the same time cautious. Well maybe cautious isn't the right word. I guess I just tend to disappoint myself eventually, so maybe I'm bracing for that? I don't know. Maybe it's just because I felt extra hungry today. Oh and by the way, I don't necessarily recommend that you weigh yourself everyday, it's just my preference. I know that things like that can become neurotic, but rest assured, I do not live and die by the number on the scale. It's just a reference point for me and unfortunately can't tell the difference between weight lost and muscle gained. I guess that's what pictures are for which ARE coming I promise. 

I was thinking about what other reasons besides my own ineptitude that brought me to the point of wanting to do something. My pepere went into the hospital for what was a "several" bypass surgery. Yes that's right, too many to count. I believe it ended up being six. Anyway, when he was talking with the doctor he was saying he wasn't too nervous because his two brothers and sister had all had heart bypass surgery. I saw my hereditary future sitting right before me. I had to determine that that was not going to be me. Here's to changing the future.

Strangely I was also thinking about the grocery store. I was actually feeling overwhelmed. It's the same grocery store I've always been to, and I wasn't necessarily worried about putting chocolate covered donuts into my basket but I was concerned about the little things that creep in. I know it's everything in moderation, but just because it's Light ice cream doesn't mean it's good for you. My suggestion, as someone once told me, stick to the outsides of the store. That is where all your fresh ingredients are going to be. If it is boxed/processed, it will be in the middle aisles. I also think it is good to narrow your food scope a bit if you are worried about the hidden carbs and such. Just some thoughts.

Today I went to Lake Massabesic and relaxed... read for a bit. I'll have dinner shortly and head to the gym for some mileage. Food today... Protein shake, chicken soup, almonds apple, and protein bar...

And with that... until tomorrow.

Total Miles: 13.0 (today to be added later)
Total Weight Lost: -3.2